WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
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