Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
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He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
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They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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