I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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