Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
