every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
