My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
