he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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