Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
