if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
