This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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