my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
a search helicopter?!
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
