thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
