You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
