There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize