the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
