Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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