Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
