What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
