dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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