there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
