My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
