i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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