1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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