I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
