it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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