those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
