Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
