i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
