you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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