I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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