I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
