4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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