sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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