Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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