i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
