Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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