I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He better not be in your backpack
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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