why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
