Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
