and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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