You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
