I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
