went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
