tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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