Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
