I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
