textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Can you bring me the toilet please
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
