you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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