He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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