ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You made out with two different species that night
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
