saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
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