I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You took a bar mat shot.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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