I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm too high and old for this...
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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