I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Randomize
